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Top Ten Tips to Improve Your Sex Life

This list is such an interesting challenge!  At Come As You Are, we firmly believe we are the anti-experts and we reject one-size-fits-all solutions in all forms and guises - especially as they pertain to sex.

So, why write these sex tips at all?  Well, if you've arrived at this blog post via our newsletter, you'll know you were promised some generic sex tips in an ordered list.  Really, it was supposed to be a bit of a joke, but we're so earnest at Come As You Are that we felt we had to make good on the promise.

As such, what follows is a list of amazing sex tips from the shop that doesn't really believe in 'sex tips'.

1. Go slow and use lots of lube: You may recall this particular sex tip from our 'anal pleasure' article, but we strongly feel it applies to everything.  Any time you want to introduce something new into your sex life, we advise dipping your toe into the water before jumping right in (and no diving in the shallow end, okay?)  If you're thinking of a new vibrator, get something a little less expensive while you figure out what kind of vibration you're into.  If you'd like try power play, start with a blindfold and a light flogger (or a feather!) instead of an aluminum cane (although, if you're looking to get into caning, we do have an introductory workshop coming up!).
   
   If we were to re-write our core values today, we would probably add "use lube".  Why?  Because lube makes all kinds of sex better.


2. Take the time to explore your own sexuality.  It is impossible to communicate where you want your partner to go if you don't feel so familiar with the terrain yourself.  For many of us, it can be challenging to separate out what we're into from all of the sexual and emotional expectations the world puts upon us.  Any self-help book worth its salt has some content on self-reflection and self-exploration, and in this regard, we're no different.  Betty Dodson's classic Sex For One is a great start for some folks, and anyone looking to just examine the sexual landscape for ideas and inspiration could check out the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex or The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy.


3. Communicate. If you're partnered, find ways to really communicate with your partner.  We don't take a stance on what this should look like - different people find different but effective ways to communicate with each other.  As per "Sex Tip #1", start slow - especially if communicating about sex is new in your relationship or you feel like the idea you want to introduce or discuss is particularly loaded.
    


4. Similarly, learn to really listen.  Andrea Zanin may be best known for her "10 Rules of Happy Non-Monogamy" workshop, but her ten rules apply to any and all relationships.  Truly.  Andrea has a great piece on listening and is an outspoken advocate of active listening (learn about it! take a course!).  She swears it is life-changing.  We recommend her particular set of ten-tips highly.  Check them out.
    


5. Empathize with your partner and pay attention to where they're at.  If you're looking to bring a sex toy into the relationship (and you've never had one with your partner before) or want to introduce a new sex act, check in with your partner before you launch into your (probably well rehearsed) spiel.  That is, if your partner just had the worst day at work, or has food poisoning, you might want to hold off on the deep throating conversation, right?  At Come As You Are, we've taken to checking in before basically any conversation about anything.  It takes a moment, but communication is so much more effective when everyone knows where everyone else is at.


6. Do unto others, or be GGG (depending on your individual belief system, of course.)  In the world of sex tips, this means be as open to other people's sexualities as you would like them to be toward yours.  We think this is both excellent life advice and good sex advice.  


7. Be demanding.  If you've gotten a grip on number six, be demanding.  You deserve sexual pleasure from the universe.  Go out and get it.  If you're currently single or in a new relationship, you can be as demanding as you'd like.  If you've been with a person for awhile, just remember to be diplomatic - and kind.


8. Vary your routine.  Again, advice that is good both in life and sex.  In Never Have the Same Sex Twice, this ideal is well articulated.  If you're always switching things up - even just little things - you're much less likely to get bored and you're more likely to naturally incorporate new things into your sexual repertoire.  This applies to all sex - whether solo or partnered.


9. Take something off the table.  This is my favourite of all the sex tips because it produces the most interesting results in relationships - and because it makes it so much easier to vary your routine.  Some couples might explore sex outside of penetration for a couple of weeks to see what other kinds of sex might spontaneously happen, and then reincorporate all of these new ways of relating into their day-to-day sex life.  Similarly, sex can be so fun and interesting when we let go of orgasm as a goal.  Or why not try pleasuring other parts of each other's bodies, or pleasuring the same parts but with different parts of your own?


10. Use more lube!  Seriously, lubricant is amazing at reducing friction in all relationships.  Condoms are better with lube, vibrators are better with lube, butt plugs are infinitely better with lube, and even your boyfriend or girlfriend is better with lube.  Even if you ignore everything else on this list, please listen to us about the lube.

Secret Sex Tip #11:  Blame Someone Else.  Why take responsibility for your own desires when you don't have to?  Wouldn't you rather blame Susie Bright or Laura Corn if things go awry?  I certainly would.  If you're feeling stuck, go for a good game of Truth or Dare or I Dare You - or how about a Sex Deck or 52 Invitations to Great Sex?  If a hot night is had by all, you can take all the credit, and if things aren't so hot, you can commiserate or make jokes at Susie Bright's expense (or take it up with her in person at one of her upcoming workshops at Come As You Are!)