Masturbation Manifesto Bill O'Reilly wrapped up the War on Christmas, Stephen Colbert has been trying to crack the War on Easter, but this May a different war is coming, and it's loaded and ready to pop - the War on Masturbation. The History of this One Handed Struggle Masturbation Month has always existed (in our version of the truth 'always' refers to the time since 1997). Each year, for the past ten years our small worker co-operative has been exercising its God given right to celebrate May as National Masturbation Month. We've made t-shirts and bumper stickers, held concerts and cabarets, we've been down on our knees with our fists raised to the sky; we haven't been afraid to get our hands dirty to honour the earth's most popular sexual behaviour (by the way, this year we have free buttons!). We've done this peacefully in the name of sexual pleasure. Sure we feel bad about the centuries of bloodshed and terror perpetrated in the name of masturbation and the power the pro-masturbation lobbies have over world governments. But Masturbation Month isn't about these things. it's about celebrating the simplest and most direct form of sexual stimulation we know. Who could object to that? Radicals with too much time on their hands, that's who. These 'onanismazis' only want you to have sex with other people, and won't be satisfied until they have eradicated masturbation from our collective consciousness. People, a war has been quietly raging; a War on Masturbation, and this year it's coming to a head. The signs are clear. Shooting a load of truth about the War on Masturbation February saw a double headed attack on masturbation. First, the science world was buzzing over research which claimed to prove that sex with a partner was 400% better than masturbation, then the Guardian Unlimited ran an essay by Ian Buruma that posed the seemingly rhetorical question "Does masturbation lead to suicide bombing?" Are we supposed to think this is a coincidence? Now these partner-sex absolutists have hit up the retail sector to further their cause. As Masturbation Month approaches you‰ve probably noticed the complete absence of the word "masturbation" in May retail displays across Canada. Instead they're welcoming "Spring" and "Flowers". What's this supposed to mean? People don't worship Spring, they worship Masturbation. In an effort to get to the bottom of this we contacted Canadian retail giants Zellers, the Bay, and Lou's Sex Shack. Zeller's spokespeople had this to say: "We aren't going to answer your questions and if you call again we will contact the police." Obviously they've caved to political pressure, we'll be calling for a boycott soon. According to Lou at Lou's Sex Shack, her staff are welcome to wish customers happy masturbation month, as long as it doesn't get in the way of pushing cheap products to an unsuspecting public. Thank god free speech still exists in some corners of our union. Shaking the Devil's Hand We have to engorge engage the enemy, and spray them with our throbbing conviction that Masturbation can't fall by the wayside as so many other noble institutions have. Those waging this War on Masturbation claim that if masturbation is allowed to be freely discussed, we'll be opening the doors to legalized prostitution, rampant drug use, and same-sex marriage. We masturbators believe the opposite to be true. After all, masturbating keeps us busy. If we can't masturbate, we'll have to do something with our time and come to think of it, decriminalized prostitution, recreational drug use, and freely marrying the people we love don't sound like bad back up plans. Call us traditional but we believe that masturbation is a central part of sexual expression across the lifespan. This May we'll be singing it loud and proud from the rooftops. We hope you'll join us! Read a transcript of the explosive edition of Fox News: O'Really Factor where the War on Masturbation was laid bare.