Newsletter No. 41: VALENTINES 2008

What sex toys taught me about love and lust

There are many things to dislike about Valentine’s Day.  The crass consumerism, the misguided attempts at expressing love through expensive dinners and jewelry, all that waxy chocolate.  But it’s hard not to admire the way that Valentine’s Day brazenly embraces love and lust with equal intensity.

Most of us struggle with the distinction between love and lust.  We try to figure out how they can fit together and how to stay in relationships when they don’t.  I’ve learned my greatest lessons about love and lust from sex toys.

I think like most people, even after I started using sex toys on a regular basis, I considered them an imposition, something that you add to “regular sex” and therefore something essentially unnatural. The ease and consistency with which sex toys, vibrators in particular, provided me with orgasms only further solidified in my mind the idea that they carried some special powers.  And so I would use my vibrators often and with relish (figuratively of course…I was experimental, but never kinky) but I always felt like I was cheating a bit.  I countered this cheating feeling by making sure that I had sex without sex toys too, I even kept a running tally in my mind of the number of times I had sex with and without sex toys.  

When I think about why I did this, it had everything to do with this distinction between love and lust.  Love, we’re told is a great virtue, lust a sin.  Sex with vibrators was too easy and too fun to be “natural”.  Sex with a partner and even solo sex that relied only on fantasy and friction, took some commitment, it was sex with a work ethic, and therefore nothing to feel guilty about. For me sex with sex toys equaled lust, sex without sex toys equaled love.  

I can’t remember when the change happened, but somewhere along the way it did. 

Fuelled in part by the fact that, guilty or not, I couldn’t get enough of this easy, fun, and lustful sex, I decided that I should stop keeping the mental tally and give into my lust.  I reasoned that even if it felt a little off, it was hypocritical of me to be preaching a message that everyone should get to dictate how they choose to be sexual while allowing my own sex life to be guided by someone else’s expectations.

It’s been several years since I’ve allowed myself unlimited use of sex toys and a few things have happened since then.  First, my fears about relying solely on sex toys haven’t come to pass.  There are lots of times when, by design or by circumstance, sex toys don’t fit into the sex I’m having.  Second, my sex life has much more love in it.  It may be that opening up to what I fear allowed me to open up emotionally as well.  It may be that letting myself do precisely what I want gave me the confidence to find deeper love in the sex I was having.  It may just be a coincidence.  I’ve learned not to question it.  

What I’d like to recommend is that in addition to the usual chocolate sex toys and diamond dinners this Valentine’s Day, take a few moments to think about the ways you experience love and lust in your life, and whether or not you might do something differently to let the two cross paths a few extra times in the coming year.

Toys

Delight Vibrator
Fun Factory takes vibe design to new heights with this de-licious, de-lovely, de-wonderful creation.  Excellent for external and internal stimulation, solo or partner play, and made of silicone and hard plastic, this organic marvel offers a wide variety of intensities and pulsations, and a rechargeable battery that lasts 90 minutes at high speed and takes 3 hours to charge fully.  $172

Goldfrau
Don’t wait until your 20th anniversary to give the gift of porcelain.  These magnificent porcelain dildos are handcrafted in Australia and treated with a special glaze that creates a non-porous and easy-to-clean finish.  The subtle design details make Goldfrau an object of beauty to behold and touch.  Available in black/white or ivory with pink details.  $205

Nexus Duo
You’ll fall in love with the looks and functionality of the Nexus Duo.  All smooth lines and perfect curves, the duo is also designed to work equally well for g-spot or prostate stimulation. $34

Throws of Passion 
Looking for some hot kitchen floor sex without the ass crumbs? This brilliant little blanket provides a perfect barrier between your love-making and the rest of the world. Machine washable and full reversible with sexy satin on one side and snugly micro fiber on the other. Each throe is 5’ x 6’. $80

Tie-Me-Up, Tie-Me-Down Beginner’s Bondage Kit
Whether you want to tie someone up or tie someone down this Valentine’s Day, there’s no more comfortable and sensual way than with our Tie-Me-Up, Tie-Me-Down Beginner’s Bondage Kit.  This high-quality kit contains one fun-fur lined blindfold, two fun-fur restraints, two nylon tie-downs (to loop around bed posts or railings) and a handy-dandy vinyl bag for storage.  Available in red, black or leopard print.  $38

 

DVDs

1000 Words      
A one of a kind porn experiment -- a plot-based movie with no dialogue. Two photographers are star-crossed lovers desperate to get out of their current relationships and into each others pants. Shot in black and white, with sex scenes in colour, 1000 words is an excellent choice for first time porn watchers and anyone looking for something different. $40

Buckback Mountain       
The cowboy love story Hollywood doesn’t want you to see.  Shot entirely on location in the Joshua Tree desert, Buckback Mountain reveals a tender and sensual side of Buck Angel (there’s no anal sex in this one) without compromising the enthusiastic sex we’ve come to expect.  Filled with heart and passion this one is an original and a must see. $35

Skintight  
An artist who can’t get her creative juices flowing receives an anonymous box of body paints that inspire her creations to take on lives of their own. Painted bodies come to life as their flesh and desire is revealed, much to the delight of their fellow actors and the audience.  Featuring diverse sex scenes, a light plot, and actors who are clearly enjoying themselves. $29

Hearts Cracked Open   
A gentle and spiritual look at tantric sex, produced for women who love  women. Discover how tantra can heighten pleasure and “crack open” your orgasmic potential as well as function as a tool to heal and empower both the individual and relationship. Features interviews with experts and explicit demonstrations. $35

All American Girls
Hands down the sexiest box cover art of the year, All American Girls lives up to what its pretty packaging promises. No storyline and a little less raunchy than what we are used to from Holly and Suze Randall, yet chock full of hot sex without pushing the limits. Featuring some of porn's best male talent around today. $29

Books

Truth or Dare: A Game of Passion
Relive the rush of Truth or Dare with this clever and kinky game for adults.   Every turn of the card and roll of the die is a chance for lovers to abandon inhibitions and explore their mutual passions.  A perfect gift to take your Valentine’s Day eve up a notch.  $21.95

Erotic Massage Deck
Marrying ancient Eastern wisdom with modern know-how, this easy-to-use and delightfully sexy deck is the ultimate bedside companion for adventurous lovers. Ideal for the novice or the expert, these 50 sensual techniques can be explored one at a time or combined for an evening of intimate passion.  $18.95

Position of the Day Expert Edition
Pick a day, any day with this cute and clever sex positions book and see if you can match your stamina to the drawing talents of the folks at Nerve.com. With roller blade positions like the "Finger Roll" and tennis-enthusiast positions like "The Kournikova" we guarantee you’ll find at least a few weeks worth of sex play you never dreamed of.  $15.95

Naughty School Boy’s Companion Coloring Book.
Definitely not your childhood colouring book, local artist Fluffy O'Hare has created a wonderland of sexy women, spanking, bondage, and a few taboo illustrations that would make your fourth grade teacher blush.  Let your creativity fill in between the lines, and watch your libido do the same.  Sexy, edgy, and fun this book is great for kids of all ages (providing those ages are all over 18).   $13

Fetish
If rubber is your thing, you may never get past the 100% rubber cover of this sexy little book full of photography and fetish sex tips and techiques.  But if your interests run elsewhere you’ll find plenty of inspiration and a little bit of guidance in this book that’s as comfortable on your coffee table, bedside table, or whatever table you may have in your custom dungeon behind that secret wall in your den. $25

 

Workshops

February 5
7:30pm-9:30pm
Make Your Own Clay Dildo
With Shawna Morissette
all genders

February 6
7:30-9:30pm
Decorative Rope Fashion
With Virilia Crush
all genders

February 7
7:30pm-10:00pm
Erotic Body Brush Workshop
With Dana Shaw
women and trans people only

February 24
7:30pm-10:00pm
Female Ejaculation
With Shannon Bell
women, trans people and men accompanied by women only

March 2
5:30pm-8:00pm
Intro to Erotic Photography
With Chris Ablett & Leanne Gillard
all genders

March 9
5:30pm-8:00pm
Intimate Self Portraits
With Chris Ablett & Leanne Gillard
all genders

March 16
5:30pm-8:00pm
Fun with Fetish Photography
With Chris Ablett & Leanne Gillard
all genders

March 30
5:30pm-8:00pm
Erotic Photo Show & Tell
With Chris Ablett & Leanne Gillard
all genders

April 6
5:30pm-7:00pm
Becoming a Porn Pioneer
With Buck Angel
all genders

April 7
7:30pm-9:00pm
Becoming Sexually Comfortable
With Buck Angel
all genders