Newsletter No. 65: WINTER 2013

How To Stuff A Stocking In 5 Easy Steps

We know that you already know whether or not you want to buy someone something sexy for the holidays. We’ve never been particularly interested in selling you stuff you don’t want or need, but we are extremely interested in making your sex toy, book, and DVD purchasing adventure as easy and risk-free as possible.

We’ve been helping folks pick out toys for their significant others collectively for over 35 years (OMG!), and over time, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to approach this very fun, but often daunting task. We’re not usually into oversimplification - sexuality is complicated and all that - but oftentimes the simplest solutions are in fact the best ones.

Here are our five very simple rules for buying someone else a sex-related gift this Christmas (or any time of year):

Find out if your partner has owned a sex toy, book, or DVD before. If we know anything, it is that you may think you know if your loved one has owned a vibrator, but you may not actually know. Seriously, have a conversation and actually ask. If you’ve never discussed sex toys with the person you’re buying a sex toy for, we think the sexiest gift you can give them is a gift certificate, dinner, and a date to your local co-operatively owned sex shop!

The rainbow connection. We pride ourselves on having a rainbow-worthy selection of colour options, and we can say definitively that half of you care deeply about the colour of your new Lelo, half of you could care less about whether your new sex toy is purple or red, and half of you get annoyed when you’ve spent a half-hour deciding on a sex toy only to have to spend another half-hour deciding which colour you should select. This all leads us to conclude with 150% certainly that getting that shiny new sex toy in a colour they don’t hate is a good idea. Find out your loved one’s favourite and least favourite colours before you shop.

Giving the gift of knowledge. No one knows your relationship as well as you do, and we trust you to make decisions that are going to lead to a sexy, conflict-free holiday season, but we’re also going to suggest that you don’t pick up that educational DVD on oral/anal/g-spot/p-spot sex unless a) your partner asked for it, b) it’s learning you can do together, or c) you routinely utilize the words ‘power’ and/or ‘service’ to describe your relationship.

Make your massage count. We have a ridiculously enticing selection of massage bars, candles, lotions, oils, balms, and books in every flavour and at every price. Whether you want something organic and unscented, or warm and bourbon-y, we encourage you to indulge in the luxurious and intimate world of massage this winter. Studies have shown that sex should ideally occur following no more than one out of every three massage sessions for maximum effectiveness. These studies are, of course, entirely fictitious but the results are undeniable.

The sexiest gift, is the gift of love. Read the previous sentence aloud. Did you read it in a sarcastic or sincere voice? Let us know at contests@comeasyouare.com because we’re not even sure if that’s a meaningful statement or just something randomly produced by our patented Come As You Are Newsletter Generator®. But, seriously, the best gifts aren’t the most expensive ones or the shiniest ones or the newest ones - they’re the gifts that show that you know something real about the person you care for and like having sex with.