Erectile Differences & Pleasure

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Introduction

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a clinical term usually defined as the inability to develop and maintain an erection for satisfactory sexual activity. At Come As You Are we don’t think the idea of “normal” is helpful to experiencing sexual pleasure, and we know that even clinicians don’t agree on how often or for how long you might have difficulties with erections before you would be diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

Here’s what we know: everyone who gets erections will experience changes over time with how the erections might feel. They could get harder or softer, they may happen when you don’t want them to, and might not happen when you do. Instead of measuring your erections against an arbitrary norm, think about what you want, and how you can go about getting it.

This pamphlet offers a non-medical perspective on erections and sexual pleasure.


What Causes Erectile Differences?

Erections are actually incredibly sensitive measures of our overall health. Changes in erections can be caused by one or a combination of many factors, including:


Physical Causes

These can include changes in hormones and cardiovascular health or diseases such as diabetes and COVID. Drugs, both recreational and pharmaceutical, can cause ED as a side effect. If you are experiencing changes in erections, it’s probably a good time to check in with your health professional to ensure that your changing erections are not an early indication of a health problem.


Psychological Causes

Stress, anxiety, distraction, fear, and any number of other thoughts and feelings can, and do, get in the way of having the kinds of erections you may want.


Social Causes

Our society’s rigid gender roles and expectations often result in people carrying a lot of conflict, guilt, shame, and anger about the way they are portrayed and treated in society. All of this can add even more pressure about having and maintaining an erection and what supposed ‘value’ that gives you. These messages can, and commonly do, impact physical sexual response, particularly when it comes to erections.


Relationship/Interpersonal

Difficulties with erections may have little or nothing to do  with physical issues and may be the result of relationship and interpersonal conflict, including abuse.


What to do when you are expecting...(erections)!

Talking with your partner about sexual expectations is important. Does sex only “happen” when there’s an erection? If so, it’s worth questioning whether that’s causing you undue stress and whether that always has to be the case. There are so many ways to experience connection, intimacy, and hot sex without an erection. Feeling like you don’t need an erection to give and receive pleasure can open up worlds of possibility!


Expanding Your Options

Beyond drug treatments, there are many ways of preventing and managing ED. These include learning to manage your stress or medical condition, shifting your diet, opening up your communication with your partner(s) and much more. In addition to seeing a medical professional, you may find talking to a counsellor or sex therapist helpful.


Add something new!

Prostate Massagers - these insertable toys are designed to increase blood flow, improve prostate health, and for many, offers a pleasurable experience with or without touching the penis. They can be vibrating for added sensation or non-vibrating and can be used to help with pelvic floor exercises on your own.

Penis Rings - by restricting blood flow, rings can result in a harder, longer lasting erection for some men. Many people also find the sensation they create pleasurable.

Vibrators can be fun for all! Vibrators can help you explore new sensations while increasing blood flow.

Penis pumps are a safe, natural, and fun way to improve blood flow to the penis. If you suspect that reduced vascularity might be the culprit, using a pump regularly can help you regain vascularity over time.

Books like The Multi-Orgasmic Man and Lasting Longer include information on how to control how and when orgasms occur. Most people don’t know that orgasm and
ejaculations are separate phenomena, and these books provide training on how to control when ejaculation happens and how to control how erections happen.

 

Last updated: May 23rd, 2026